God's ways are not ours

As my story continues... I went off to College to do my Counselling Diploma. The years before going, I had become very used to tuning into The Holy Spirit's leading, finding He would often draw me along side of a Godly woman or Leader (for example) to learn the Spirit' ways or gifting through them. I learnt and found I was lead by the Spirit with signs following. Pastor and an elder came before I left to say I was to be made a Deacon in the Church if I'd decided to stay.

During my time at College, I was very focused on my Diploma and learning as much as I could. One day as I was walking across Campus, I sensed the Holy Spirit drawing me to one of the Campus Student Leaders. I immediately thought The Spirit had something to teach me, but wondered how I could come along side of this person to learn without giving him wrong impression because it was a man! The Holy Spirit immediately answered me saying "ask him to tell his testimony".

A day later when this man came around the accommodation with a roster, I said to him, "when you have time, could you share your testimony?" To my surprise, he immediately answered saying "I can do it now if you like", and sat down to speak. The lounge of the accommodation filled up as all the students in that unit came out of their rooms to join us and listen. As we listened, I heard how this man had been married twice and had disobeyed God when he married as a new Christian the second time. It was everything I self-righteously judged and in my heart thought "he's just saying that he disobeyed God to cover his failure". The Lord immediately zapped me with a firm chastisement in my heart and spirit impressing strongly on me the word's " he is telling the truth and I have forgiven him!" With it came a 'knowing' in my spirit that we may end up married.

I was stunned. I went to my room and cried out to God. How could I end up with a man I knew nothing about. How could I get married and go against my principles? I freaked out!! I prayed and sought God every moment. I felt so miserable, crying out to God and interceding daybreak and at night. Many tears were shed. I felt like Ester being brought before the 'king' to be accepted or rejected. In the end I remembered the prophecy and my prayer, so said "Lord if this is part of your will and purpose for my life, then I submit. I don't know this man, only You can truly know a person's heart,  please protect me. I immediately felt peace flood over me. We humans look on the outsde and only God alone can see inside of us.

I also thought, "I have a reputation as a godly woman to protect, and if this is of God, then it is a testimony that needs witnesses to acknowledge God's hand at work". So went to see the College Principal and his wife to tell them what was happening between God's Spirit and me. I expected him to be discerning enough to correct me if it wasn't God, and protect me.  I forgot to mention that the place I went to study for my Counselling Diploma was a Bible College and it was against the rules to have relationships.   To my dismay, the Principal didn't chastise me, but gave permission for me to get to know this man. I didn't want to hear that, so told God " I'm not going to get involved in this. If this is of You, then You will have to bring it about."

Alone for fifteen years then the unexpected..

The years flew by as I concentrated on providing a stable home environment for my sons. They got involved in Christian Surfers from intermediate age. The social support with good role models gave them good clean fun through their teen years and kept them out of trouble. God also provided good male role models in the fathers of the fellowship that also happened to introduce my sons to surfing. I also purposefully spent time mixing with other families and refused to be pushed into the 'solo-parent / singles' box that society tries to organise. Through mixing with families, I ended up taking my sons with another family on week long hikes through our beautiful NZ National Parks. It was a wonderful experience amongst God's creation.

I continued my job as an Intensive Care/Coronary Care nurse and loved it. After twelve years I found people coming to me for counselling, seeing me as a survivor solo parent and liked the way my sons turned out. It didn't take me long to realise the other parties' issues were very different from my experience. I had been married for 10 years prior to becoming solo. I decided I needed more training and looked at courses available. Unfortunately they were all out of town, so I decided not to upset my sons' stability and put it aside.

I became involved in International Hospital Christian Fellowship while looking for ways to be more equipped to meet the spitritual needs of some of my patients. This included going on a course in 1987 to Manilla, which God opended the doors miraculously for me to do. After that I felt my calling was for NZ. I could see NZ was in danger of heading down the same path, if not careful, and intercession for our Nation became part of my walk with Jesus. I also became involved intraining the Hospital Chaplaincy team helpers and others that visited the sick and dying. I was very involved in my Church also. Life was fulfilling and I was contented.

One day when vacuming the floor at home, I was thinking my youngest son was leaving home soon and was wondering what I would do. The Lord spoke clearly to me saying "what about that counselling course you wanted to do?".  I thought prayerfully about it and decided to go to the church prayer meeting and ask for prayer for guidance regarding my future. My eldest son was also praying about going on a Christian Surfer's Mission and I suggested we both go to the meeting and ask for prayer. The meetings were exciting because God's Holy Spirit met with us and the gifts of the Spirit were flowing, as well as many prayers being answered.

We went and my son was prayed for first. The elder who prayed for my son didn't know him. So when he prophesied over him I recognised that the words showed knowledge only God knew about my son, who was very astute in God. This encouraged my faith and  I was prayed over by the man and another elder. The man spoke of all the things that were on my heart regarding the future, which only God knew, and then continued to prophesy that God knew all these things and had made provision for my future. As the man spoke, he pointed to me, and I felt a warm power hit me, flowing over me with a 'knowing' that it meant marriage. I immediately reacted within myself, thinking "he (the man) is saying marriage! Doesn't he know God showed me that I was to be on my own for a long time? How dare he. I must put him straight!" I felt angry at the thought of my life being interfered with. (I must note here that the man didn't actually speak about marriage, it was the Holy Spirit impressing the words on me).

I didn't get the opportunity to talk to the man until after church a fortnight later. I met him and his wife outside the church and was about to say I needed to speak with him. But the man saw me and immediately said "I 've been wanting to speak with you. I had a dream or vision one night during the week and the Lord told me to tell you that this is from God. In the dream or vision I saw you were getting married". I was stopped in my tracks an said, " but that is what I wanted to speak to you about. God showed me a long time ago that I was to stay on my own". "Don't worry about it" the man said, "put it on the back shelf, forget about it and if it is from God, it will happen. Time will tell".

I went home astounded  because I knew God had shown me when the man had prayed, it had been confirmed by the man and his dream. It had got my attention. I thought about it and thought "I don't want to get married! I'm happy with my life as it is now and feel fulfilled. I don't need a husband for the sake of having one. Then I thought  about God's Will and prayed that "if it is your will Lord, then I will submit, if it is part of your purpose for my life. But he had better be a man with a heart that loves you like King David did." Then I forgot about it and prepared to go off and do a Counselling Diploma, taking two years unpaid leave from the hospital to do it.

Alone and praying for reconciliation

Life as a solo parent continued and the revival of Christianity in my life lead to me expecting God to restore my broken marriage. After all, I reasoned, my ex husband had some Godly relatives who said he had walked with God as a teenager. I believed that if I fasted and prayed regularly, God would restore my marriage, and began this in earnest, believing it is God's will to keep families together. Nothing was too hard for God I reasoned!

My sons also prayed fervently for their daddy. This went on for two years and during this time, people said to me "if God doesn't bring your husband back, surely he will give you another". I thought about this, wondering about God's will as I sat on the beach one day. Most Sundays I would take my sons to a local beach to play as I sat and read my Bible in the beautiful surroundings. 

This particular day as I sat quietly, I sensed Jesus walk up to me. He drew my attention to another couple on the beach and gently spoke "they have each other, you have me". With the words came a feeling that I was receiving a gift and I felt a most privileged person, full of joy. With the words also came a sense that I would be alone a very long time. I took it that to mean the rest of my life, and afterwards reasoned that it was only if my husband didn't come back..

Time went on and one morning during my quiet time reading the Word, words jumped out at me (quickening my spirit). They said that "He who holds the keys of David in His hand will close a door that shall not be opened.." I saw that He (God) was closing a door. Then the phone rang and it was the boy's father, calling to say he was getting re-married! I was able to cope with the information because God had shown me He was closing the door. I new then that I was called to be on my own for a long time and went through a grief.

At the time I was running a kindergarten for the Church, and found it so difficult to keep my spirits up knowing how sensitive preschooler's were to person's mood. I felt afraid of affecting the children and cried out to God to help me. He did, through His Word, which again quickened my spirit and spoke to my need, lifting me up. "..the suffering of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that shall be worked in us". I continue my walk alone and have been so blessed...

Experiencing favour with God The Father

After my husband left us (see story on separate page), I was lead to a lively Bible believing church. As I learnt how to walk with God, I became aware that I needed to get baptized, in obedience to God's word. I had been christened as a baby, but I was not aware at the time, let alone making a conscious choice to invite Jesus to be Lord of my life. To me, baptism was symbolic of burying my old sinful nature and rising in my now new life in Christ, forgiven, cleansed and empowered by His Spirit to overcome sin. It was also a public witness declaring my faith (in the heavenly and earthly relms). I was warned that I may encounter a spiritual battle, opposing this step, as it would set me free from opposing powers.

The day arrived, and I had chosen baptism in the sea. I was shy and felt very self-conscious and plagued with doubts, not wanting to make a spectacle of myself. I'm ashamed to say I was even afraid of being recognised and being judged as some sort of religioug 'nutter'. The battle had began, which I recognised as between my sinful prideful nature and my new spiritual nature. Luckily I had been forewarned.

The church gathered on the beach, on that sunday afternoon, singing, playing a guitar and joyfully supportive. It was a clear spring day; September. The sea had a southerly swell and the wind was cold. It was also spring tide, which fortunately meant I didn't have to walk out into the water very far, as the surf would be big enough. Others were being baptised also that day, so I wasn't alone in my experience.

My turn arrived and I walked out to my pastor and an elder who was assisting. I was determined to go through with it, as I sensed it would be now or never! The water was lapping just above my knees. I prepared myself for the cold chilling plunge and stood waiting. Pastor asked me to confirm my understanding of why I was choosing baptism, and I confirmed my faith. Pastor and his assistant waited for a wave, then gently lay me back so the wave washed over me totally. My sins were washed into the bay. I was surprised to experience the emcompassing Presense of the Lord as I was lifted upright again. I sensed God smiling down on me, wrapping me in His comforting warmth and the gentle words imprinted on my mind were "this is my beloved daughter whom I am well pleased". I was blessed for my obedience. Pastor felt it too because he joyfully said to me "the Presense of the Lord is sure warm isn't it?".

As I drove home in the car I felt I wanted to sing. When I sang, I could hardly recognise the beautiful sounds that came out of my mouth. I then wondered if this is what is mean't by being filled with the Holy Spirit. This was confirmed to me in the evening service, when I found another language joyfully bubbling up at will, when I went to pray. That night, in the privacy of my home, I prayed and prayed in my new language, knowing I was transparent before the Father and His Spirit was praying through me, for me, with wise words that I didn't know how to say any other way. It was so empowering and fullfilling, like being in a refining fire. My new life had began.